So here I sit, in an apartment that’s just a little too cold. Our heating is a bit flighty though, as if it’s on more than it is now, my apartment becomes tropical. I prefer the cold when I’m just lounging. I’m currently petsitting for a friend, so I’ve got two adorable finches hanging out on top of my dining room table, chirping up a storm and eating millet. They’re always a joy to watch, it’s like I’m in a hair salon with a bunch of delightfully catty women.
So today is the last day of January ’13. I guess it technically was in the last blog I posted but that was at 3am, so it’s not quite the same. I thought that this would be an amazing month because it was the start of a new year. What is it with the idea that a new year means a new start? Couldn’t you make your new start any time? I used to make New Years resolutions like a motherbitch, but I don’t anymore. I set goals when I feel they’re necessary, and I do everything I can to stick to them.
But back to January. This has been a very difficult month for me as I’ve been rocking some intense insomnia. I’m not talking about “oh, I can’t really fall asleep lol but it’s okay I got 8 hours still.” Until the last two days, I had not fallen asleep before 6am. I would try, but I was barraged with anxious and speedy thoughts and my heart rate met up with these thoughts until I was pulsing with panic attacks. There are a number of reasons for these thoughts, which I’ll save for a later entry, but I was miserable.
A few nights ago, I decided to make a change. Everyone’s read that story where someone describes their “breaking point” and they’re filled with a montage of changing their life and making it better. That was me. I had fallen asleep the “night” prior at 7:30am, listening to the morning commuters making their way to the 152 bus. I woke up several times during the morning until I finally resolved myself to get out of bed at 3:30pm, feeling miserable. I felt physically ill, dizzy, and slightly crazy. I forced myself to have a lunch of grits and toast, and then I set into action.
I printed out worksheets for insomniacs.
I cleaned my bedroom from top to bottom and washed the sheets.
I threw out all the bottles of Coke (caffeine is my friend and my enemy.)
I read through my meditation books and anxiety self-help workbooks.
I didn’t watch any tv or do anything on my computer/phone before bed.
I took the hottest, mintiest bath I could stand.
I am one of those people who feels better after cleaning and organizing. It makes me feel like I’m actually making progress, even if I’m still right where I was. This probably contributed to how I slept this night.
I laid down at 2:45, even though I wasn’t that tired. I didn’t play Solitaire on my bright-ass phone, I didn’t watch The Simpsons on a sleep timer, I just laid down with my fiance and my stuffed bunnies.
I fell asleep by 3:45. I woke up the next day at 12:30 and felt like I’d undergone some sort of magical procedure. I wanted to sing “Age of Aquarius” at the top of my lungs.
Last night, I fell asleep at 4:30am or so. I woke up at 9:30am when my fiance was on his way to school, but I stayed up for a while, ate some breakfast, and pondered the sunshine. I fell back asleep and woke up at 2:30pm and felt even more magical than the day before.
(I have to put a plug in here. I bought an app called “Don’t Panic” and play it to relax. It’s insanely wonderful and puts me in such a calm state. Look that shit up.)
My goal for February is to yoga everyday. I’m part of a group online whose tagline is “yoga every damn day”: http://www.challengeloop.com/challenge/new-years-yoga Today is just day 2 of my challenge, but I adore yoga and I’m ready to do this.