Wow, it’s been a while since I’ve written. I started my spring term, had a terrible cold, followed by terrible bronchitis, and have been pretty damn busy. I missed writing. Must make time to write, always.
The last month has really given me some perspective. I have been in intense therapy for the past 8 weeks or so, and I reluctantly agreed to start a “helper” medication. I don’t know why I’m so resistant to temporary medication, especially since I’ve been on some form of anti-anxiety aid since I was 11. Maybe that’s why I’m against it; I want to be completely off medicine at some point in my life. I don’t want to rely on a medical synthesis to fix my problems.
But, I was so anxious, I was uncomfortable walking through Target. So I decided to give it a try.
Within two weeks, I noticed a calm. It was a calm I was bringing about, through the help of my therapist and my own actions. Within four weeks, I noticed a fire. I was more excited to do the things I loved, without feeling worried before I even left my apartment. Now it’s been eight weeks, and I am grateful I agreed to this change. If I hadn’t made the decision to go to intense cognitive therapy and combine that with a temporary medication, I would still be trapped in my apartment for days, wondering what the real world felt like.
So now that I’m slowly integrating myself into the real world again (and I mean slowly; I still can’t really eat in restaurants or take public transportation), I am suddenly so aware of all the goodness that’s come my way.
Firstly, my 25th birthday was not the existential travesty I had predicted it would be. Mainly, that’s because I had a sinus infection and wasn’t too concerned with anything but chapstick, kleenex, and hot showers. But I was able to pull myself together and go out with some of my best friends.
My lady Emily and me, looking like stars out of a 90s babysitting comedy.
I realized that turning 25 is really only a big deal because of the events surrounding me right now, not because of an age or number. I am going through so many changes (almost all good) that it’s hard not to get emotional about it all.
Secondly, I was able to celebrate my birthday (10 days later) by going to a crowded convention and spending the next day in the park. I don’t think I would have been able to go to C2E2 a few months ago. Last year, when James and I went to C2E2, I had some pretty bad anxiety within the first 30 minutes of being at the convention. This year, we went for almost four hours and I had virtually no problems. I also was dressed as Vince Noir from The Might Boosh and absolutely no one knew who I was.
So C2E2 was a massive success in my book.
The next day, I invited some of my closest friends to the park for kickball, beers, and all around good times. We rocked the hell out of kickball for all being mostly nonathletic (minus a few friends who are damn fit) and drinking.
The next week, I found out I had an interview with an excellent middle school for a co-teaching/student teaching position.
This was a huge deal. I had been waiting for nearly two months to find out where I would be student teaching in the fall, and this school would be a dream, literally a dream, come true.
I prepped myself as much as I could. I did everything from write out answers to commonly asked questions on this type of interview, to get a new haircut, to ask my friends on Facebook their opinion on which dress to wear for the interview.
Because, yes, I am that neurotic. I also don’t know why the red dress looks huge and the blue one looks too skinny.
I over-analyzed EVERYTHING and worried for a solid week. My best bro Tyler helped me a lot with the prepwork and didn’t lose his cool when I freaked out and made him go shoe shopping with me. That’s how you know a guy friend is awesome; they don’t call you out on being a crazy chick when you’re…being a crazy chick.
So the big morning came, this past Monday to be exact. I stayed at my mom’s because she lives 90 seconds away. She woke me up by singing and hoisting our dog onto the bed. Oh Edie, she’s such a cupcake. I took a longass shower, did my new hair up nice, and went with the suit nearly everyone voted on.
I was so nervous, I apologized in the interview within a few minutes. Their response? “Don’t worry, you got the job, we just wanted to meet you in person.”
All that preparation, all that worrying…OH MY GOD WHO CARES I’M GOING TO BE A TEACHER!!!
I’ve never felt so happy for myself. My mom shrieked a little and took me out for donuts. Sprinkled donuts. I’ve been elated since Monday. My only work over the summer is to read YA books, which I’ve already started doing with fervor. I’m almost done with Divergent and can’t wait to read the next one in the series.
I guess the point of this particular blog is to show that things are really looking up, and life is pretty damn wonderful right now. I’m highly anticipating this being one of the best summers ever, and I am so excited to be a teacher, I can hardly stand it.
All I need to do is stay calm and keep this fire within me.