Franticism isn’t a word, I know. I didn’t know the noun form of the word “frantic”, which is apparently “franticness”. I like my word better.
I got married 12 days ago. It was, without question, the most wonderful day of my life. Getting married was great, but the day was perfect because all my best friends and closest family members were in one place, celebrating love and happiness.
I will never forget as my husband (eee!!) and I were dancing, he stopped me and made me look around. “Look at all the love in this room”, he said. “It’s…it’s fantastic.” It was the only time he cried that day.
I, on the other hand, cried for all of the ceremony.
I will write a blog about the wedding when I get more photos to accompany the story! That’s not what this blog is about.
This blog is about franticism.
Being frantic is defined as “wild or distraught with fear, anxiety, or other emotion”, and recently, I would describe part of my thought process as frantic. But, it’s not my usual franticism. Usually, I’m worried about things that haven’t happened, or being in a situation I can’t get out of, or having a panic attack and feeling like I’m going to die. And I do still worry about that. But, I don’t worry about it nearly as much as I used to.
No, my franticism is focused more on time and goals.
Until fairly recently (the last 2-3 years of my life), I had no real understanding of adulthood. I assumed it was something I would gently fall into, building my career and adventures as I went. It would happen naturally as I found myself and my dreams.
Imagine my surprise that this hasn’t happened.
When we were little kids, we were told we could achieve anything, that we could grow up to be an astronaut or the President of the United States. As we pushed through middle school, we realized that might not be true. After all, there are over 350 million people in this country, and there’s only one POTUS. Could we do it? Sure. Would we? Nah. But that’s okay, we persevered and moved forth to high school.
Then, we realized what college admissions are really like. There’s competition, bureaucracy, and a laziness on the school’s part that doesn’t fully take our personalities and non-academic strengths into consideration. But, we could still get into college and achieve dreams. Not necessarily our childhood dreams, but our dreams nonetheless.
College started to take little chips of that away. Finances, logistics, personal problems, stresses, fears, worries, it all came in the form of a campus with a philosophy.
For some reason, though, I never truly worried about this part of my life. I only worried about the anxious intangibles that floated around me everyday. When I started grad school in 2011, I knew that my childhood dreams weren’t the same as my realities.
But now, something’s clicking and clacking in my brain. These little cogs and sprigs are starting to turn in a way that they haven’t before. I can actually hear conversations that I want to take place.
And no, it’s not about wanting to have kids. I am honestly sick of (mostly) strangers saying “Oh, now that you’re married, when are the babies coming?!” Hey, newsflash: Just because two people get married doesn’t mean they’re having children any time soon.
It’s about wanting to push myself to do things I never thought I could really do.
I am not the person who takes a year off to backpack through India and find themselves. I am not the person who ventures out of her comfort zone in such a way that she experiences something completely new and lovely.
I am the person who stays home instead of adventuring out because she knows she’s safe at home. I am the person who makes up an excuse in her head to not do something new and fun because “Meh, it probably won’t be great anyway. And think of all the bad things that could happen!”
As I’ve mentioned before, I’m in a job that isn’t the most satisfying, despite it being what I want to do for a career.
The question I’m asking myself now is “It’s what I want to do, but where do I want to do it?”
I’ve never lived anywhere but Chicago and St. Pete. I want to live somewhere else.
I want to live where I’ve always wanted to live.
I want to live in England.
I’m considered a highly qualified teacher, which means I don’t need any additional training or classes to teach in the EU. There are many programs that bring American teachers to the EU to teach, which makes it very easy to obtain a work Visa.
The EU’s education philosophy and treatment of teachers is lovely compared to America. In England, teachers are actually considered beneficial and high-standing members of society.
I can’t stand what I see in my country. Our education system is appalling, and it breaks my heart. I honestly don’t know if it’s a system I want to stay in for life.
So, I’m really considering a change. My husband is looking at doctorate programs in other countries too.
This is a change that wouldn’t happen for a while, but I can’t ignore this anymore.
The franticism in my life is being caused by a desire to break free and do something completely new.
Completely new and completely lovely.